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I have lived with depression my whole life. When I was a teenager, I came very very close to a successful suicide. At the last moment, I was stopped by a synesthetic hallucination of a divine feminine presence surrounding me. She forced me to see all the beauty in the world in a series of memory flashbacks. I saw sunsets and sunrises, trees waving in the wind, the dappled shapes of shadows in a forest, cats, children playing, the joy of learning new things, and a thousand other experiences. I knew at that moment, that was the true meaning of life. I cried for hours, and I promised myself I would never allow myself to get to that point again. I have never since truly struggled with suicidal thoughts. On the rare occasions they occur, I just dismiss them out of hand. I have still had chronic depression my whole life, and lately I have struggled with the idea that "giving up" is just "suicide" in slow motion, and I do not know how to deal with that.

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