introduction, over-sharing, unmasked hyper-honesty, trauma, childhood trauma, sociopathy, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, chronic illness
My whole life, I have had the same, but evolving, dream over and over. It is a dream of recursion, sort of like a Groundhog Day inside a dream. It would involve whatever I had been hyperfocusing on lately. It started with trying to beat video games or schoolyard drama. As I got older and started teaching myself things, I would have recursive dreams about computer code, trying over and over and over to write the code to solve all problems. I taught myself database design, and I had dreams expanding databases into higher dimensions until they collapsed, over and over and over, trying to solve all problems. Dynamical systems, neuroscience, sociology . . . every time the same thing: expressing that abstraction in synesthetic higher-dimensional realities over and over and over. Then they evolved into stories that involved time travel and going back and forth in time . . . over and over and over. At some point those turned into some kind of high-stakes competition between competing time lines in which I was trying to save this particular reality from all the others. Then they started incorporating alternate time lines, and I was no longer trying to save this reality, but trying to keep my individual self in this reality from being a victim of the manipulations across time and alternate timelines. And always, there is recursion. Always, there is the same thing happening over, and over, and over, and over . . .
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