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introduction, over-sharing, unmasked hyper-honesty, trauma, childhood trauma, sociopathy, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, chronic illness
Ok, I did not do a real #Introduction before. I signed up on another server, and saw a lot of hashtag intros, so I just copied a bunch I felt were relatable.
Now I am going to try a real intro. Sorry, this may be long and separated into several posts.
I am currently obsessed with the movie, Everything Everywhere All At Once, because it speaks to my soul and the core of who I am. It is, in my opinion, the greatest piece of art ever created by humanity. However, I recognize that art is not some linear form of communication. The quality and impact of art exists both in the art as the artist created it, and in the experience of the audience experiencing it. I say this, not only to expose my philosophy* about art, but also because it exposes my experience and point of view vis. a. v. that movie. It is so relevant and beautiful specifically to me, because my personal history is so relevant to it.
*I coined a phrase in college to a philosophy professor: "Philosophy is art made with ideas," and he completely agreed.
I was "almost great" at so many things in life. I could run, in sprints, faster than anyone else up through my teenage years. If I had had any interest in sports, I would have been great, but I did not have those interests. I was almost great at chess from an extremely early age, but I did not pursue it. I always had a talent at explaining complex things to peers and was almost great as a tutor / teacher, but I did not pursue it. I even explained how planetary rotation worked to both my teacher and class in 2nd grade science. Later, I almost went to the one of the most prestigious schools for math and engineering, but I did not actually go (I did not think the finances for someone as poor as my family would work . . .). I almost completed a second major in mathematics, but no, that did not work either.
1/n
introduction, over-sharing, unmasked hyper-honesty, trauma, childhood trauma, sociopathy, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, chronic illness
I almost became amazing at martial arts as a teenager, studying the Sun Mu Quan school of Hapkido and Jeet Kun Do. I paid my way in the martial arts school by making marketing materials using my almost-amazing self-taught graphic design skills. But no, I did not follow through with that either.
As an adult, I taught myself programming, Web development, Web design, Usability/UX Design, and advanced graphic designing. I was almost great at it. I got a job as a Webmaster for a major corporation doing that for a while. I started my own business for a while. I didn't stick with any of it.
I was almost amazing at data analysis and data science for a while, but I got burned out when the corporate idiots I worked for did not understand any of it.
I have been an almost amazing chef on several occasions, with multiple people saying I should start a restaurant, but I am still just an OK home cook.
I am an artist, and I have had a lot of people say my artwork is amazing. But I have never achieved any success selling art.
I write, and I have had many people compliment my writing, but I have never had any success at writing regularly or getting any widespread readership.
I almost completed duel bachelor's degrees in mathematics and psychological science, but I was working full time and could not complete some of the requisites for the math degree. I almost went on to a graduate degree in cognitive science, but my health failed.
2/n
introduction, over-sharing, unmasked hyper-honesty, trauma, childhood trauma, sociopathy, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, chronic illness
My entire life I have experienced extreme pain in my joints, random rashes/angioedemas, fatigue, and frequent bouts of illness especially including vomiting. Also my whole life, I have been dismissed, marginalized, gaslighted, outright lied to, and otherwise failed by every single doctor and medial professional I have ever seen. "It's no big deal." "He will grow out of it." "You just need to lose weight." When my health collapsed in grad school, and then I could not even keep working, I lost 140 lbs. I went from "obese" to "too thin." None of the doctors who told me, "just lose weight and you will feel better," were even remotely correct. I am still trying to find that "good doctor" that gets depicted on TV doctorganda, and get an actual diagnosis for disability insurance.
I also grew up in abject poverty under a textbook sociopathic abusive father and codependent chronically depressed mother. I always win the "my family is more fucked up than you can imagine" game when NTs pry into my life despite me giving no indication of consent that I want to talk about my family. I have never figured out why they insist on prying, but I am always delighted at the faces of horror they make when I just say, "fuck it!" and fully unmask and tell them the truth. (Note, if you read a modern textbook on abnormal psychology, it will probably not have a description of "sociopath." Just look for the descriptions of "Antisocial Personality Disorder" and "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and imagine someone comorbid with both of them.)
3/n
introduction, over-sharing, unmasked hyper-honesty, trauma, childhood trauma, sociopathy, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, chronic illness
I have lived with depression my whole life. When I was a teenager, I came very very close to a successful suicide. At the last moment, I was stopped by a synesthetic hallucination of a divine feminine presence surrounding me. She forced me to see all the beauty in the world in a series of memory flashbacks. I saw sunsets and sunrises, trees waving in the wind, the dappled shapes of shadows in a forest, cats, children playing, the joy of learning new things, and a thousand other experiences. I knew at that moment, that was the true meaning of life. I cried for hours, and I promised myself I would never allow myself to get to that point again. I have never since truly struggled with suicidal thoughts. On the rare occasions they occur, I just dismiss them out of hand. I have still had chronic depression my whole life, and lately I have struggled with the idea that "giving up" is just "suicide" in slow motion, and I do not know how to deal with that.
4/n
introduction, over-sharing, unmasked hyper-honesty, trauma, childhood trauma, sociopathy, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, chronic illness
My whole life, I have had the same, but evolving, dream over and over. It is a dream of recursion, sort of like a Groundhog Day inside a dream. It would involve whatever I had been hyperfocusing on lately. It started with trying to beat video games or schoolyard drama. As I got older and started teaching myself things, I would have recursive dreams about computer code, trying over and over and over to write the code to solve all problems. I taught myself database design, and I had dreams expanding databases into higher dimensions until they collapsed, over and over and over, trying to solve all problems. Dynamical systems, neuroscience, sociology . . . every time the same thing: expressing that abstraction in synesthetic higher-dimensional realities over and over and over. Then they evolved into stories that involved time travel and going back and forth in time . . . over and over and over. At some point those turned into some kind of high-stakes competition between competing time lines in which I was trying to save this particular reality from all the others. Then they started incorporating alternate time lines, and I was no longer trying to save this reality, but trying to keep my individual self in this reality from being a victim of the manipulations across time and alternate timelines. And always, there is recursion. Always, there is the same thing happening over, and over, and over, and over . . .
5/n
introduction, over-sharing, unmasked hyper-honesty, trauma, childhood trauma, sociopathy, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, chronic illness
Since catching #covid and dealing with #longCovid, I have been barely functional. The #brainFog is real. I spend most of my time highly #self-medicated for the pain and depression. My environment and circumstance is such that I honestly do not expect to live much longer.
I am also having pseudo-religious, ecstatic experiences of "talking to god," which is to say, experiencing altered states of consciousness that translate to very brief and incomplete "groking" of the human super-consciousness. If you are curious about that, ask me either about the nature of ants vs ant colonies and/or the myth* of the Lord of Glass. You can also ask me about my theory of "leaky information" across the multiverse.
*I use the word myth here in its traditional meaning: a sacred story.
I have always been gender-atypical / gender-nonconforming. Despite that, I passed as cis-male and heterosexual most of my life. I never felt that was "right," but I also never felt any kind of dysphoria that made me question it either. Then, in my undergrad psych classes, I learned about the psychological idea of gender androgyny. The idea of having both male and female characteristics felt just . . . right. Then I heard the term "non-binary" and it felt like a bell being rung. Years later, I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that I am NB-fluid. Sometimes I feel male, sometimes I feel female, most of the time I feel agendered. I also experience mostly a male-hetero sense of primary sexualiy, but sometimes a bisexual attractiont to cute guys. But more than the primary sexuality, I am more attuned with the secondary sexual attraction, which is entirely sapio- and eudaemonic- sexual. I am attracted to intelligence, talent, and good character more than anything else. Also, I feel 0 sense of sexual or romantic jealousy
6/n
introduction, over-sharing, unmasked hyper-honesty, trauma, childhood trauma, sociopathy, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, chronic illness
So that is it. That is my story summed up. That is who I am and how I got here. And that is why my particular obsession with the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once feels so, so, so personal and beautiful. That is my intro, who I am.
I hope I did not over-share too much. Peace.
7/7